Failing myself

Okay, after much encouragement from all of you, through a couple of comments and several emails, I'm going to start putting a little more of myself out there in my blog, even if it isn't very pretty sometimes. Here is the perfect example:

I frequently fail myself. For some reason, whenever I set myself a goal, particularly about my weight, I do something within the first few days to sabotage myself. Being my present weight and size, I often ponder losing weight frequently (I know few women, regardless of their weight and size, who don't). But as my father often says, "until the pain of changing becomes less than the pain of staying the same, you won't change." So let's discuss some of the "pain of staying the same" that has been inflicted on me lately.

Point #1: I realized that I am now, officially, at my full-term pregnant weight. And I'm not pregnant. And if I ever intend to be pregnant again (still not sure on that point), something has to be done. Part of why I was so quiet last week is that I thought I might be (I'm not!), and it scared the crap out of me for a zillion reasons, not the least of which was my weight. I swore after Luke was born that if we *ever* did that again, I was going to be lighter. And then what did I do? Promptly gain 30+ pounds. Maybe that was partly my screwed-up psychological way if saying I'm not ready for another baby, but should another baby find me before I'm ready, I'd better at least be significantly lighter when the time comes. And given how far I have to go to even get under 200 lbs, I'd better start now.

Point #2: I read something on Patti's blog that really convicted me. Let me see if I can find it. Oh, it was actually a link to the Yarn Harlot's blog. Here is the quote: "many of us will die of our excess, while others, as worthy and hardworking as we are, will remain so very poor that they will die of it." If that doesn't smack you in the gut (literally and figuratively), nothing will.

Point #3: I'm 30. Metabolism slows down and all that, and losing the weight only gets harder A) as you get older and B) the longer you've been at your current weight. But here's the bigger point: my grandfather had a heart attack at age 31. Now, granted, he smoked like a chimney (hey, it was the 1950s, and he was in the military, but still). He also developed adult-onset diabetis and died in his mid-60s when I was 19. In my mid-60s, Luke will be a little older than I am now. How could I set myself up to leave him when he's still so young (in his 30s), if not sooner? I don't want that, any of that, to be me. I'll be 31 in six months.

Point #4: Luke. I don't want him to remember me this way. He's starting to get old enough that he might remember things from this age, and this is not what I want him to remember. I don't want him to be teased in school for having the super-fat mom. I don't want to be uncomfortable at school functions in the auditorium because I can't fit in the seats. I don't want to be the mom who never takes her kid to the water park because she doesn't want to get into a bathing suit. I want to be the mom who got out and played with her son, who swam in the pool with him because he asked her to, and who he remembers being confident and proud of who she is. And I am, most of the time, just not about this.

Point #5: And this is the one that is kicking my rear end today and prompting this post. My 10th wedding anniversary is in 18 months. When the hell did I get old enough to be married for almost 10 years? And I wasn't exactly thin then, either (size 18). So I did the math. In those 10 years, I have averaged gaining 10 pounds a year. Essentially a pound a month for every single solitary month we have been married. He says he doesn't care; he says he still desires me. And for the most part, I believe him. But wouldn't it be awesome, come our 10th wedding anniversary, to be at least the same size I was when we married? How many women can say that? That they could still wear their wedding dress 10 years later? Now granted, most of the time, that's because they were at their fittest and skinniest for their wedding. But still, a size 18 is dramatically better than my current size 26. My doctor would be ecstatic, and my family (particularly family I don't see often) would be floored. My brother lost a bunch of weight when he was in college. My mom lost a bunch of weight when I was in college (apparently I found everything she lost, and then some). It is my turn now.

So I set a goal for myself: Size 18 in 18 months. That's 4 dress sized (yes, 26-18=8, but the sizes go up by 2, so it's really only 4). It's not unreasonable. I should be able to do it, if I work at it. Smaller would be awesome, but at least a size 18 is my goal. I don't really have a set plan at the moment, but at least working out every day while coming up with an eating plan would be a good start. I decided this sometime yesterday afternoon. I will be the woman I was when I got married by the time I celebrate 10 years. I wasn't even going to talk about it on my blog until I had some actual progress to show.

And then I failed myself, not even 24 hours later. I didn't work out this morning or at lunch today, and I just drank a Coke. Not a Diet Coke, but the one full of sugar and caffiene. Granted, I don't drink them often, but I wanted one, so I just reached into the fridge and drank it, without the slightest thought of "put it down!" entering my head. How is that possible? I was so ready yesterday, and here I sit, staring at the empty can. Maybe I should carry it around with me as a token of my shame.

Yes, there is always tomorrow. As they said in Anne of Green Gables, "tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." I will do better tomorrow. I have to, or this is never going to work. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, yadda yadda yadda. But how many more times am I going to have to fail myself before I actually, FINALLY, make the necessary changes? I guess we'll find out. Here's to a better tomorrow.
Currently feeling:

Email is down

If you think you should have heard from me today, please note that my email is down. I can read and receive them, I just can't send them. I currently have three messages pending. I've contacted Yahoo! Mail customer care. Will let you know when I'm back up and running.
Currently feeling: annoyed

I should blog more?

I've been gently scolded for not having blogged lately (I'm teasing you, Shalini!). Sorry. Just a combination of too much to say and not really wanting to say it here. It's nothing important anyway, just some things I was recently reminded of that I'd rather forget. Plus writing while in the midst of PMS is always a dangerous thing. You never know what you'll read a week later and thing "what the heck was wrong with me?!" LOL So I just decided to keep quiet.

But I did scrap a bit. Two layouts, in fact. One is a Christmas photo: A Child's Delight. The other is a 2006 Year in Review layout. I chose this particular one to do since it didn't have to be month by month, just 12 pictures that were significant to you from the year. Which is nice, since I didn't take a single photo of my child during January or February last year! Oops. Am I a horrible mother or what? Or at least a horrible scrapper. (Then again, I wasn't scrapping yet; I started April.) I'll use that layout as a jumping off point for a whole 2006 Review blog post, but later this week. (Yes, I know the month is almost half over, and such a review would have been more appropriate a week or two ago. I'm working on it! LOL) Right now, I need to get back to work.

Currently feeling: slave to the keyboard

To Heidi

Heidi asked where to send Christmas cards to, but didn't leave her email address, so I can't contact her. Please email me at erinmarie AT rocketmail DOT com, and be sure to put something about Christmas cards in the subject. If you don't hear back from me by the end of Monday, try again. My email has been a little whacky lately. Thanks!!

Do you still have your Christmas cards?

It might be too late, since I know lots of people who do a clean sweep of their holiday decorations right around New Year's, but if there is anyone who reads my blog who has not seen my announcement on the boards, and who would like to donate their holiday cards to me, I would love to have them!

For those who don't know, I do a couple of different crafts that use the fronts of Christmas/holiday cards. One is an old-fashioned card ball, which takes 20 cards. The other is a Christmas alphabet scrapbook, which can use 100 cards or more. I do not receive enough cards personally each year to keep up with that kind of consumption.

So, instead of just throwing yours away, why not send them to me! I'll give them a good home and put them to good use, I promise. To save on postage, you can gently cut or tear away the fronts from the backs. It is really just the pretty front picture that I need. Any and all donations appreciated!

Cards from other winter holidays are great, if you have any cards for Chanukah, Diwali, Kwanza, Solstice, Yule.... those are all fine, as well as Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays, Santas, Nativities. International cards and those not in English happily accepted. Any leftovers you didn't need this year for your own mailings and don't want to keep. The corporate cards sent to your office that will just get trashed. Whatever you have. I do not need other holidays (Valentines Day) or birthday cards, though.

I know most of you have already seen this notice (in fact, the last three paragraphs were just copied and pasted from my board posts), but just in case there is anyone out there, I wanted to repost them. And if you want to see the actual projects, here they are:

Card Ball (imagine each "facet" being a different card, though):


And a couple of pages from the scrapbook:


Currently feeling: pleading

Adventures in Food

Credit: Pinky Blinkies

Okay, so many of you won't consider these items particularly adventurous (and some of you will consider certain items dietary staples), but this is *seriously* branching out for me. Getting me to try anything new, especially if it involves unfamiliar ingredients, is a challenge. I am an extremely picky eater, and the dietary restrictions related to my kidney stones don't help any (though they do give me a good excuse not to eat some things, like broccoli, that I never liked anyway). And if I hear one more person say "you've never had that?!!!", especially about the first item, I'm gonna have to hurt you! LOL

Risotto - OMG, YUM!!! Why have I never eaten this before??? Sheesh! It was phenominal. In this case, though, it was never really having the opportunity to try it (and being way to chicken to try and make it), not that I thought I wouldn't like it. I'm afraid I may never forgive my brother for showing me how to make it. Too too good. So good, in fact, that we chucked out a side dish for a later meal and had it again! I'm drooling just thinking of it.

Artichokes - Not so much. I was brave, I did try them, even though I didn't like the way they smelled. And I was able to swallow it without issue (didn't have to spit it out), but that half of one artichoke heart was enough.

Schnecken - Eh. It just reaffirmed my opinion that I don't care for sticky buns. There is just something off about the flavor. And these were definitely NOT worth the 3 hours they took to make (most of that while rising, but still). I much prefer cinnamon rolls (yes, there is a difference!). Or, instead of plain cinnamon rolls, how about....

Gorilla Bread - Way too yummy, and thankfully way too much work and way too much food to justify making just for our little family of three. And I don't even like cream cheese (I like it mixed in things, but not plain, even on a bagel), but I loved this. Think cinnamon rolls stuffed with cream cheese and then baked smothered in pecans, butter, and brown sugar. To die for! Once or twice a year is good, which will be much friendlier to my figure.

Turtle Dessert - Okay, so we discovered this particular recipe at Thanksgiving, but it is so good (and easy!), it is worth mentioning. It is just ice cream sandwiches, Cool Whip, caramel sauce, hot fudge sauce, and pecans, but the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Kielbasa Toastettes - This was not as good as I hoped. I didn't see how it could go wrong with the ingredients (mayo, Worchestershire sauce, cheddar cheese, green onion, and turkey kielbasa, baked on sliced baguette rounds), but I didn't care much for it. My parents seemed to like it, though.

Brie en Croute - Fabulous! Yes, this was also my first time having brie. (Stop gaping at the screen, please.) Not because I thought I wouldn't like it (it's cheese, what's not to like?!), but because my only chance to try it (without buying it myself), I was pregnant, and you aren't supposed to eat soft cheeses like that when pregnant. But when the recipe called for brown sugar and nuts on the cheese inside the puff pastry, I was skeptical. Why ruin perfectly good pecans with cheese, and perfectly good cheese with brown sugar? LOL But it was way yummy! Again, too much and too rich for a frequent thing, but perhaps for the occasional special event.

Hummus - Okay, stop rolling your eyes already! No, I had never had hummus before either. And I'm not impressed. There was some sort of flavor in it that I didn't care for, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what. Chick peas, sesame seeds (tahini), garlic, lemon, and olive oil. How can I not like that? Just not my thing, apparently. I'm starting to think that all Greek food in general is also out for me, since I've never liked any of it that I've tried. (Same goes for Thai, for that matter.)

Croquetas - Hey, my brother lives in Miami, and I think he is the only non-Latino/non-South American in his office. He's picked up a bunch of ethnic dishes from various countries south of Florida. This is one of them, though we got the frozen ones in ham. They were pretty good. I didn't love them, and I was admittedly a little hung up on the ham thing (long story, but I don't eat ham; maybe we can try the chicken ones next time), but I liked them okay. Not as much as the Tostones from last year, though. LOL

Chocolate Chip Cheesecake Dip - Disappointing. Tasted too much like cream cheese for me (remember, I don't care for it, generally speaking). I don't know if it is the eggs or just the baking of a regular cheesecake that alters the flavor and/or texture of it, but I love real cheesecake (it's all Connie's fault, she introduced me to it). This didn't even come close. Ah well.

And that concludes our 2006 Christmas Menu review. Everything else was either something straight up (like Giada's Chicken), or a well-loved family favorite. We have 32 recipes in this year's collection, and we made a total of 40 different foods (some, like the croquetas and hummus, were pre-made, so no recipe). Can't wait to see what we come up with for next year! Who knows what culinary adventues we'll go on next year. Perhaps something Russian....

Currently feeling: well-fed

The Big Reveal

I may or may not post a Christmas update. It was long, it was wonderful, it was full of family and fun, I actually saw two movies at the theater, and I ignored the computer for almost two weeks! But I have been sitting on this for almost two months now, so I'm ready to share. For Christmas, I made a CD Case Calendar for my family using pictures of Luke. Here is the cover sheet, where you can see very very small versions of each month's sheet. To see close-ups of each month's page, check out my scrapping blog.

Happy 2007 Everyone!!



Currently feeling: scrappy