Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Jenn wins!

I'm sure Jenn got it right, even if she didn't post the answer. That's one of those things that you either know or you don't. The mystery song lyrics were from the Muppet Baby segment of The Muppets Take Manhattan, one of my favorite childhood movies. I caught just that little bit (including Piggy using Gregory Hines's skates to run down the purse snatcher) on television yesterday afternoon, and it really brought a smile to my face. And Luke was simply *fascinated* by the Muppet Babies. It was so funny!

I've only seen him sit that still for something on television two other times. One is for Finding Nemo, which he will sit and watch for over an hour. I don't let him do it often, but when he's uber-fussy and I'm at my wits end, I just turn it on. Having a 5-disc DVD changer, it literally never leaves the player. The other time is at 1:05, 2:05, and/or 3:05, every afternoon. For those of you who watch Spike during the day, you already know what I'm about to say. He doesn't pay much attention to the rest of the show, but when the theme song for Star Trek: The Next Generation comes on, he will literally stop whatever he is doing and stare at the screen until it finishes. If he is where he cannot see the television, he will run (well, crawl rapidly) into the room. It is the strangest thing. Now before you think we watch that much television per day, we usually only watch one of the three episodes, if that many, though I will usually keep it on long enough for him to get to hear the theme song twice.

Looks like he'll have my taste for instrumental scores. Yay! I love Jerry Goldsmith, who composed the TNG theme. I must; I used his main theme to Star Trek: First Contact at my wedding! (Seriously. And stop looking at me like that! Other than the very very beginning intro, just the first few bars, it doesn't sound anything like Star Trek.) I probably own more music scores by him and John Williams than I do CDs by any other "artists." How sad am I? Throw in James Horner, Michael Kamen, and Hans Zimmer, and you've just named the composers of 90% of the CDs in my score section. Okay, I'm rambling. Should probably stop now.

Currently feeling: musical

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Silly song for today

Without doing a web search on they lyrics, do *you* know where they come from? I just love it because it is absolutely the way children view life. When, oh when, did we become so jaded and realistic and "practical" that we stopped dreaming like this? So read it, smile, and most of all, don't forget to dream!

Mystery Lyrics:

No matter what life may bring,
no matter what I may do,
be sure of one special thing
I'm gonna always be loving you.

I'm gonna be a movie star
And I'm gonna learn to drive a car
Gonna be a veterinarian too
And I'm gonna always love you.

I'll be the cutest model you ever saw
Then I think I'll study criminal law
And I'm gonna learn to scuba dive too.
And I'm gonna always love you.

Ma ma ga ga boop boop sha wah wah
Ma ma ga ga boop boop sha wah wah
Ma ma ga ga boop boop sha wah wah
wah wah wah wah!

Well, I'm gonna be a singer, whoa whoa whoa!
And I'm gonna learn to fly a plane!
I'll be a doctor for diseases
and help you with your sneezes
And practice neurosurgery on your brain!

Gonna climb the Matterhorn
But only after all our children are born
'Cause I wanna be a good mommy too!
And I'm gonna always love you!

Currently feeling: dreamy

Monday, June 27, 2005

You talkin' to me?

Ever feel that, when you read someone else's blog, they're really talking to or about you? And I don't mean as in cases where they type things like "she" or "someone," without mentioning names (in which case, it is at least possible they are talking about you). Lately, when reading other people's entries, usually when they are speaking of themselves, I feel like they're being critical of me (which is silly). Like when I read "Today, I (blank)," I instead hear, "Erin, how come *you're* not (blank)ing?" Or I read "So far, I've managed not to (blank)," which comes across as "Erin, you're pathetic; you've already (blank)ed several times." Guess I'm just feeling guilty or slack about those things or something. It just seems to have been happening rather frequently lately.

Currently feeling: (irrationally) targeted

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Am I that boring?

That was a rhetorical question; please don't answer! I'm not sure my ego could take it.

I guess this qualifies as jealousy? I have at least tree friends (of acreage, wondering, and lunacy; there are others, but they do it the most frequently) who often post their "search hits" in their blogs and then try to deduce how or why the hit was generated, and if possible, give an answer/response to the searched-for item. (See the acreage for a recent example.)

Now, I will readily admit that I don't check my site stats incredibly frequently. Maybe once every week to 10 days, if I happen to think of it, and even then, I don't always scroll down to the search references. It holds the top 25 hits and the most recent 20. I rarely if ever have that many in the queue, and I don't know how long they sit there. The most I ever had (and I imagine I'm about to get them again by saying this) was from my post about the Lime Coke song, and then it was just a zillion different variations on that one search. I also got quite a few when I guess someone named Erin was on The Apprentice (which is interesting, considering I don't watch that show at all). Right now, I have four, listed in both the top 25 and the most recent 20. And they're all boring. See: derma bond (from over a year ago when DH busted open his forehead), j.jk rowling (from my "Currently Reading" in the side bar, but they really need to work on their typing), beans with hamhocks (don't really recall discussing this, but I suppose it's possible; ah! a search of my own blog shows it as my favorite veggie per The ABC's of Erin post from a year ago), and erin's_son (fairly obvious, as I do on rare occasions talk about him ).

Why is it that everyone else gets so many more than I do? What am I doing wrong? I've often wondered how search engines rank the results. It isn't always by relevance, that's for sure! Is it by site hits or something? I know it's not ultimately important, and I know I don't really talk about anything overly interesting (which is why I'm amazed I have as many readers as I do), it's just makes me feel a little left out. My site either isn't important enough to even register a hit, or it isn't interesting enough to cause someone to click on it, even if it does pop up. Oh well. As long as *you* like reading it (whoever you are), then it's okay.

Currently feeling: indifferent

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The impact of other decisions

It never ceases to amaze me how the little things we do every day, and the sometimes not so little decisions we make can have a major impact on future events. As I was relaying Friday's events to my brother over the weekend, he was, needless to say, very grateful that we were both safe. But after describing the motion of the car, he got very quiet. Then, in the most serious voice I have ever heard him use, he spoke some very chilling words: "Erin, if you'd been in an SUV, you would have rolled."

Looking back on it, he is absolutely right. In an SUV, or a Jeep, or something similar, perhaps even a van, we would have flipped a few times and ended up among the trees. In fact, in retrospect, it is moderately amazing I didn't roll my car. (Have I mentioned lately that I love my Camry?) I wouldn't say that I was completely out of control, but I was by no means *in* control either. When we bought that car, everyone thought we were crazy. "Is that the car you intend to use with your family?" Yes, it is. "Then you should have bought an SUV or something. You'll be sorry later." And yes, there were times, like when Babies 'R Us discontinued home delivery the week before we bought our crib, that "only" having a car was rather inconvenient. (Incidentally, they have now reinstated home delivery. Figures.) But you know what? If we'd gone with everyone's advice, I might not *have* a family anymore.

There were a multitude of reasons we didn't go with one, not the least of which is that we didn't have the money for the payments or the gas at the time. Neither of us like them very much, either, though we were considering going with a very small one (like a Rav4) the next time we purchased a vehicle. (Guess what? I just nixed that plan!) But I also felt they were unsafe, knowing at least two people who have rolled theirs (both, thankfully, survived, though one ended up with surgery to repair a broken neck). Nice to know that I am right every once in a while.

And while I'm thinking about it, and pardon me for shouting: WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!!! All the time, everywhere, no matter how long your trip is. I don't care what you're wearing, I don't care that it will get wrinkled (a friend's mom was killed in a car accident because she didn't want to wrinkle her linen suit with the seatbelt), I don't care that it's "just down the street," I don't care that they cut into your neck or make it harder for you to reach your CDs. I DO care if you live through an accident. Buckle up before you even crank the car (admittedly, I don't, but I do crank and then immediately buckle up before I take it out of park). Make sure everyone in your car is also wearing one, or is properly restrained in an appropriate restraint system (i.e. car seat/booster). After all, I want to make sure you're still around to read my blog.

Currently feeling: safer

Friday, June 17, 2005

Keeping God and His angels busy

Today, I had a lunch date. Mom and Dad stayed last night with my grandmother (Mom's mom), and they are staying the rest of the weekend with us. It's been a while since I've seen my grandmother, even though she only lives an hour away, so I decided to take Luke and meet them for lunch. And for some reason, fate decided I needed a reflex check on the way there.

I needed to get from I-285 to I-20 (that would be 285 South to 20 East, for those in the area). At that junction, there are five lanes, and the road pretty much splits; three curve off to the left, continuing 285, and three go straight, becoming the exit ramps for each direction of 20, with the center of the 5 lanes forking and becoming two lanes at the separation point. I was in that center lane, since my ramp would split off to the left. The person in front of me in my lane curved to continue on 285. They had been going quite slowly, so once they turned, I sped up a little. I knew there was a lunatic flying up behind me, so I looked in my rear view mirror to see if it would be better to let him go around me, or for me to get over a lane and let him continue on past me. I decide to stay in my lane, as he had just switched to the next lane to the right to pass me.

As I look back in front of me, the person in front of me who had curved to take 285 had apparently changed their mind, and were merging back into my lane, going slower than they had been, though moving laterally very fast to get to the I-20 lanes before they hit the retaining wall. Since I had been speeding up, I was gaining too quickly, and I knew I was going to hit him. Mr. Lunatic had just passed me, so I hit the brakes and turned the wheel to the right to try and avoid the collision. Well, I was a little freaked, and it all happened so fast, that apparently I hit the breaks and/or turned the wheel hard enough to lock down the brakes and start swerving. So now I'm swinging wildly all over the three lanes, right, then left, then right, then as I went back to the left, I started spinning, all with screeching tires and the smell of burning rubber everywhere. I think I turned just shy of 270, ending up stopped somewhat diagonally across the right two lanes facing oncoming traffic, (which, let me tell you, is terrifying on an three-lane wide interstate exit ramp).

And I never hit a single car or barrier or anything. Not a single scratch or dent on me, Luke, my car, or anyone else's. There is only one possible way that could have happened; God and His angels were very busy on our behalf. I knew I needed to get out of the road. Everyone in the far right lane had bailed left to get out of my way. Everyone in the center lane had slowed enough not to hit me. I was taking up parts of both of them. I knew it would be faster to just back up, so I finally got the car in reverse (couldn't remember how the gear shift worked, forgot to push the button) and backed into the emergency lane, facing the right direction.

And I promptly fell apart. I was bawling like a little girl. Luke was just cooing and playing, like he'd had the time of his life on this new thrill ride. I guess you know you're a "real mom" when you get into a situation like that where formerly you would have prayed "please let me be okay," and instead, the ONLY thought running through your mind is "I don't care what happens to me, please just let my baby be fine."

From where I was in relation to the ramp and everything, there was no place to go but to get onto I-20. I sat for a good five minutes, waiting for a big enough break to get over two lanes so I would be going towards lunch. I briefly contemplated just going back home, but the first exit is hideous to try and turn around on, due to heavy construction, and by the time I got to the second exit, I was closer to being at the restaurant than I was to being home, so I just kept going. Started bawling again as soon as I saw *my* mom, but that's okay. I let her drive from the restaurant back to my grandmother's, but I drove us home (with Mom in the front seat to help keep me calm and sort-of talk me through it). It was just something I needed to do. Not sure how I'll react the next time I have to make that same merge at that junction, but at least I know I can drive on the interstate again without freaking out too badly.

I'm pretty sore in my arms and my upper back from clenching down on the steering wheel so hard, and I'm not sure if I'll show seatbelt marks or not. I don't think so, but Mom says maybe. Other than that, and still being a little shaken up, I'm fine. Luke seems fine too, but I'll probably give him preventative pain meds the rest of today and tonight before bed, and we'll just see how he's doing tomorrow.

Currently feeling: thankful

Monday, June 13, 2005

Ukulele Star Rockets Up Charts

Okay, this is one of the most interesting and yet most bizarre things I've ever read. I really thought it was some kind of joke when I clicked the link. I'm not knocking it! I like *all* different sorts of music, personally. My CD case has definite sections, but none look like they relate to any others (Broadway, new age, hard rock (read: 80s hair bands), classical, R&B, a capella, movie scores, 50's and 60's....). I'm actually very intrigued. I'll have to seek out one of those stores where you can play selections from any CD and check it out once it's released here.

Currently feeling: intrigued

Thursday, June 09, 2005

To everyone who laughed yesterday

It's okay. I'm laughing about it (now), too. Today seems to be going infinitely better, and DH is working from home tomorrow, so I don't have to do this alone for the next three days. Yay! I'm glad *someone* was having a good time yesterday, even if it wasn't me, and even if it was at my expense.

Currently feeling: better

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Random thoughts - June 2005

Not really sure I have enough for a single post today, so I'll just throw out the various things that occur to me during the day, mostly directed at my child.
* Eight-month-old free to good home. In perfect health, based on yesterday's professional inspection. 21 poinds, 29 1/4 inches long. A real cutie!
* Oh, put on your big girl panties and deal with it already! (myself included)
* Let me get this straight. If you fall down by yourself, you just get back up and keep going. But if you look around and you know that someone else has seen you fall down, you cry? What's up with that? Quite the little drama queen, er, king.
* I'm having an incredibly hard time not telling some people on the BBs today *exactly* what I think about their problem/issue of the moment, but seeing as I couldn't really handle reciprocation of such an impulse in my present state (and I'm sure a few folks have had to resist the impulse to tell me to stop whining about Luke), I've done a remarkably good job of keeping my mouth, or my fingers, zipped.
* Don't complain that I never communicate with you, then not respond when I do.
* You picked today, of all days, to run late?! Did you not get my emails?
* What is it with you and your cord fettish? Apparently, we are expected to live without telephone and electricity (and thus television and computers) until you turn, what, 8?
* TAKE A NAP!!! Preferably without screaming, please.
* You have water upstairs. You don't need mine, you don't need Luke's, you don't need the toilet, you don't need the faucet, you don't need the sweat off my glass. But I'd even let you have all of that, except Luke's, if you could drink it without soaking yourself or dumping the glass over! GGRRRR
* So help me, if you comment on the wet spot on my butt that YOUR son gave me (immitating his "older brother" (of the feline variety) no doubt), I will throttle you.
* I hear the garage. Daddy's home!!!! Thank God. I will now go attempt to steam myself to death in the shower.

Currently feeling: moody

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

My child eats bugs

And unfortunately, I am not referring to the furry ones. I should have known something was up when three kitties converged on one spot on the carpet, starring. Then Luke joined them. Then I saw Luke putting his hand to his mouth the way he does with Cheerios. By the time I got to him (you know, 5 feet away), all I was able to retrieve was a hard black wing. Hope it wasn't poisonous!

And thank you to everyone for being so understanding with my last post. Many things are calmer now, myself included. I don't know what I'd do without all of you!

Currently feeling: embarrassed

Sunday, June 05, 2005

An Apology Letter to My Son – June 2005

Today, I became the worst mother in the world. I know I am not the first, nor will I be the last, but I was not strong enough, and I failed you. Unfortunately, I know this will probably not be the last one of these types of letters I will have to write in your lifetime. Some would say that I won, but it sure as hell doesn't feel that way. How is it winning to feel like my soul has been completely shredded? I was so so very tired. And I was so so very frustrated. And I was so tired of being frustrated. But those no longer seem like good enough reasons.

Tonight, I let Luke cry himself to sleep.

There are innumerable schools of thought on this matter. Some people are out there right now saying "good for you for not spoiling your child." Others are saying "you heartless bitch, how could you not go to him when he needed you?" Many, I imagine, are some where in between. Those of you who have children, I'm sure you at least understand the impulse to allow such a thing, whether you ever actually did it or not. It's what many parents and experts suggest. It's what our own pediatrician suggested, via the Ferber method. But those no longer seem like good enough reasons.

This was the second time he'd gotten up tonight since going to bed. This was about the 50th night in a row (no exaggeration) that he's woken up at least once, usually around 2 AM. We started letting him cry a bit to see if he'd calm himself about a week ago. Maybe it's gas. Maybe it's his teeth coming in. Maybe he's on the verge of a physical milestone. Maybe he's scared. Maybe he's lonely. Maybe not putting him down to fall asleep on his own is finally catching up with us. Maybe we are being punished for going to him every time he cried at night up to this point. Maybe he's sick with an ear infection or something and I don't know it (he already has a well baby appointment for Tuesday). Maybe he's the most stubbornly willful child on the planet (gee, I can't imagine where he got that from). But those no longer seem like good enough reasons.

It took exactly 20 minutes to cry himself into exhaustion. I had already held him for 10 minutes while he cried, so I put him down and left the room. I can be screamed at in bed over the monitor just as easily as I can be screamed at while holding him. I laid there and listened while he continued to scream, wondering where we were, trying to understand why we weren't coming. After 17 minutes, the screaming turned to whimpering. After another 3 minutes, the whimpering stopped. DH is about to go check on him to make sure he’s really asleep and not dead.

He's still breathing. He fell asleep in a sitting position, with his face having fallen forward to his knees. DH laid him over on his side to make sure he continues to breathe. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Probably loneliness and fear and abandonment. And me, who never came back to get him, to care for him, to love him. He used to smile in his sleep. I am afraid that will no longer be the case. He used to smile when he saw me, because I was his mom and he trusted me. I am afraid that will no longer be the case.

The ultimate irony? I am now wide awake.

I keep telling myself that I did this because I had tried almost everything else. I was tired. I need sleep. And he needs sleep. He's been sleeping through the night since he was about 6 weeks old. Is this my punishment for thinking myself so lucky then? I don't know what changed a few weeks ago. He needs to (re?)learn to go to sleep, stay asleep, and put himself back to sleep, all on his own. He needs to go back to being a good sleeper. But those no longer seem like good enough reasons.

Apparently, it is now my turn to cry myself to sleep.

It is now after 3 AM on June 5, 2005. My mother turns 51 today. Happy birthday, Mom. Today, I broke your grandson's heart.

Currently feeling: shattered

Saturday, June 04, 2005

And then there were five....

NO, not kitties! Someone said that was their first thought when I posted it elsewhere. Sheesh, I think DH would kill me, not to mention the other four. LOL

I'm referring to Luke, who now has five teeth crammed in that little mouth. I'm not quite sure where he'll put any more. And a pirannah-baby he is, too. Don't stick fingers anywhere near there if you would like to come away with them intact, or at least not bleeding.

Currently feeling: toothy

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Apologies to my fellow bloggers

I would like to take a moment to apologize to my fellow bloggers for not doing much reading of your blogs lately. I just haven't had the time or the energy. Luke's crawling is beginning to approach light speed, making it rather difficult to just sit down and read *anything,* much less something like a blog. Before Ezboard collapsed, I could read a thread or two (or, more accurately, a reply or two) before having to chase him down, but I don't even have that luxury anymore. So, it's not that I'm not commenting or that I don't want to read, I just haven't managed to work it into the new routine yet. Soon, I hope. Thank you for being patient with me and continuing to read my own blog.

Currently feeling: busy

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Whenever I miss my old job....

ROTFL!! Okay, I'll give her that one. Check out today's Baby Blues.

Currently feeling: comical