Grandmother update - not good

I had all kinds of fun things I intended to post today. Like how I *think* Luke may have said "mama" today and meant it. (I'll tell that story later. Remind me.) I was going to belatedly wish my mom a happy birthday. (I wished her one yesterday, just never got around to announcing it on my blog.) I was annoyed at this, that, and the other, and I thought about ranting. Or I was going to talk about how much I am looking forward to having a houseguest Friday night and seeing my fellow Atlanta-area stitchers. All of those things (except the petty rant) are worth mentioning, but unfortunately, I have something else that needs to be mentioned. My thanks to those who have emailed me to ask recently. I'm sorry I don't have better news to provide.

I booked a flight for tomorrow to go down and visit my grandmother. Things may not be quite that dire in terms of how long she will live, but they are deteriorating rapidly enough that if I want her to have any chance of knowing who I am or for the visit to be meaningful to her, I need to go now. Dad said that the change in her just from Friday to today was, in his terms, "more drastic than they ever could have convinced me it could be." She's lost more weight, and she didn't have it to lose in the first place. It is virtually impossible to carry on a conversation with her. She can't feed herself. Her skin is breaking down where the oxygen tubes run over her ears, and she is developing other bad skin patches that are simply refusing to heal on their own. And it is not abuse or neglect, I promise. My family has been involved with this retirement home for about 15 years now with various family members, and they take *very* good care of their residents.

Mom kept saying "but she could turn it around," but I could "hear" between the lines what she wasn't saying (which is that she doubts such a turn around is likely). She'll talk with the director tomorrow, nurse to nurse (as opposed to "director to family member") to see if she can get a better feel for things, but it just doesn't look good.

I'll leave tomorrow after DH gets off work, returning Friday mid-day. (I could drive, but that's 10-12 hours out of my life, and my family is footing the bill for the plane ticket.) I know he said I could stay the whole weekend, and I know I've already made alternate arrangements for my Friday night houseguest, just in case, but that doesn't seem quite fair, either to Steve or to Kirsten, especially if I'm just going to have to turn around and go back there in a few days or weeks. I need the mental break of this GTG so badly, so I'll just have to miss seeing Jacob. (I just saw him in May, and he's planning to spend a week up here in July, so it's not like I won't have another chance.) He can't take off work right now, so he will fly in on Friday night. I don't want to wait that long; it might be too late, if not physically then mentally.

Keep on sending that good mojo, not so much that she makes it, but that she is at peace and not in pain. No one wants that; we all just want what is best for her. For anyone who likes to have names and faces, her name is Jackie Warren, and here are a couple of photos. The first is of her first meeting with her only great-grandson. My God, the change in her since this photo was made, about 18 months ago, just brings tears to my eyes. The second is the most recent photo I have, taken when we last visited in March 2006.



Currently feeling: sad