Sunday, May 23, 2010


I've been feeling a bit lost in my life lately, sort-of rudderless, floating through my days without any real plan. (Ironic, coming so quickly on the heels of my 101 Things update, no?) I like having a plan. It keeps me on track and focused and, well, helps me not to feel like I have no clue what I'm doing. Plans are comforting. Deviating from the plan is fine, but I need to have one to feel secure.

From a fairly early age, I had my life pretty much mapped out through age 25 or so. It didn't go *exactly* according to the original plan, but more or less, I followed through with it. Graduate high school with great grades (check), graduate from college (check), get married (check), work for a few years (check), buy a house (check). That got me through age 25. Now what?

I actually remember feeling this way back then, but then we started a new plan: Baby. Wait for DH to take and pass the PE exam (check), wait until we really think we're ready (check), have baby (check). Again, I experienced a brief moment of "now what"; I even recorded it in a blog post for my 29th birthday. But a new plan presented itself shortly there after: decide when to have baby #2 (check; decided not to), move to new house in better school district (check), have child start school. That last one will get its check mark in August, when DS starts Kindergarten. At that time, I will be 34 years old, married 12 years to a wonderful man, with an amazing soon-to-be 6-year-old son, a new home that I love, and a good job that I like. I've done it! I have dreamed the impossible dream, and I achieved it. Who says you can't have it all?

And I have absolutely NO idea what comes next. I am very much back to "now what?" Every step I've taken so far has been the obvious one. There is no obvious next step from here, and I don't have any idea how to go about making a new plan. I don't know what I want, and I don't know how to go about figuring that out. There are a few things I know I don't want. I don't want to go back to school, and I don't want to change jobs right now (looking to do that in a few years (I miss my data!), but not right now, and certainly not in this economy!). But as far as what *to* do, I really have no clue.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm bored. (For the record, I do not need some catastrophe in my life just to force me to make a plan!!) There is *plenty* to keep me busy. Lots of house things we could/should do, I'm sure we'll be busy with activities and such once "real" school actually starts, and I'm positive we'll only get busier as the years pass and Luke gets involved in more things. We have family to visit and trips to plan and take. We could quit being heathens and start going to church again. There hobbies to pick up again, movies to watch, books to read, and new things to learn. Heck, I have a good start on 101 Things in 1001 Days versions 3 and 4! But that's not the same thing. I feel like there's no big overall plan, certainly nothing on the scale of graduation or home buying or procreating. And maybe it's okay to not have a plan, I don't know. I've just never really had a time in my life when I didn't have one, and it makes me feel... lost.

Currently feeling: in need of a map


  1. I think you've entered that stage of life where your kiddo dominates your plans. Really. You gotta get him educated, and "growed up" as my Grandma would say. Don't underestimate what a huge undertaking and ultimate achievement this is. I'm a little further down the road than you are, but having now two kids in high school who will soon be unleased on the wide world kinda brings it all home. Many of the actual "accomplishments" will be Luke's, but moms play a key role in the successes of their children. :D

  2. So what's wrong with just sitting back and enjoying all of it. There is nothing wrong with just being content and happy about it.

  3. retirement.


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